Case studies using Nonviolent Communication in real world situations including: how to give a proper compliment, perils of bringing up past issues, emergency empathy when speaking to a consultant, receiving gratitude, point of care compassion, and the limitations of NVC in the resus bay.
Guest bio: Scott Weingart is an emergency physician who went on to complete fellowships in Trauma, Surgical Critical Care, and ECMO at the Shock Trauma Center in Baltimore. He is best known for his EMCrit Podcast which focuses on resuscitation and ED critical care, and most recently, On Deeper Reflection, an exploration of academic productivity, philosophy, and wellness. He is the author of two books: Emergency Medicine Decision Making and the Resuscitation Crisis Manual.
We discuss:
The violence in communication that NVC is seeking to remedy [ 03:40];
Violence in communication overtly refers to speaking in a way that is manipulative, blaming, shaming, guilting, and judging.
Getting deeper, the violence is attributing other people as the cause of our emotional state.
Once you get caught up in the emotion of who is right or wrong, you’ve lost.
The real violence is far deeper than people cursing or screaming at you. They're just childish in their emotional expression. That's not violent – you can let that roll off. Violence is people that will look at objective reality and create an entire overlay of their own perceptions of your motivations and then judge you on it.
Why you should avoid discussing the past in heated conversations [06:00];
If you are discussing the past or placing blame based on the history of prior behavior, you've lost the ability to resolve conflict.
A lot of the nonviolent communication path is deciding to optimize communication to get your needs met rather than satisfying negative emotions.
How to give a compliment NVC-style [11:00];
The NVC formula is observation, feeling, need and request. “When I see W, I feel X, because I need Y. Would you be willing to do Z?”
Many give compliments by describing someone with words such as “amazing” or “talented”. But that’s Jackal speak and is contrary to NVC. It's a moralistic judgment, even though it's positive. It reinforces the idea that the negative exists and, even further, that I am the judge that knows the difference.
A better way to provide feedback is to be clear what someone did to make you feel a certain way. For example, “When I saw you do X, I felt really proud/sad/etc”. This reinforces good behavior or helps remedy bad behavior.
If you give people the power to judge you positively, you're giving them the power to judge you negatively. To judge others, even in a complimentary fashion, is dangerous. It's giving you an unrealistic power over other people. So you're actually violently communicating, even though you're giving them absolutely positive affirmation.
Receiving gratitude [17:25];
Many times when receiving gratitude, people are dismissive. “That was nothing. It was so easy.” Our inner Jackal doesn't think that it deserves gratitude.
When we can be open to receiving gratitude (listening more than talking), we benefit psychologically and physiologically.
Emergency empathy [18:45];
This is an incredibly effective tool that is easier to deploy in the moment than the “observation - feeling - need - request” strategy of NVC.
Emergency empathy is essentially letting people know that you hear them. “99% of people who are upset need to be heard. In almost every argument that goes astray, you will find the exact moment in which you made them feel unheard.”
It generally starts with, “Are you feeling X because you need Y”? This is a great diffusing strategy because it shows compassion and a desire to understand.
4 levels of response evolution [22:30];
Blame yourself
Blame the other person
Communicate nonviolently
Care for their emotions and needs but never by putting yours aside.
Limitations of using NVC in the emergency department [24:45];
“NVC has many good features, but rapidity is not one of them.”
NVC requires forethought and time to communicate in a safe place. It is not commonly effective in instantly diffusing situations (such as in the middle of an emergency resuscitation).
Point of care compassion [27:00];
Compassion is wanting others to be happy, just as you want to be happy.
If you can show compassion in situations needing conflict resolution, you may be able to change the internal mental framework for all parties involved.
The last 3 words mirroring technique [28:50];
When you want someone to feel heard but you want them to continue speaking, simply mirror their last three words. The longer they speak, the more likely they will tire themselves out of their tirade. Repeat their last three words and let them get it all out of their system.
Using NVC when the person you’re talking with has a personality disorder [30:40];
People with personality disorders can twist situations in unexpected ways. The borderline personality exists in the external locus of control – blaming everyone for everything that is happening to them.
With NVC, nobody can make you do anything – this is the quintessential essence of the internal locus of control. Only you have agency over what you do.
Compassion can help when interacting with people who have personality disorders. This hearkens back to Metta which is learned compassion and love sent out to the people you care about. Later, the real potency is sending love to the people that have done wrong by you.
What happens when you use NVC to “manipulate” someone who is astute and quickly realizes they’re being managed [35:00];
It can help to have a mediator present who is aware of NVC techniques and can help moderate the conversation.
The fallacy of attribution [38:30];
The fallacy of attribution is a potent message from NVC. It makes it easier to feel compassionate towards others when you understand that they're not doing anything to you. You're creating your own narrative.
And more.
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